Friday, April 17, 2009

that unbalanced feeling

As I near the end of my temp job, I am also excitedly gearing up for what is next. The summer always brings about fun activities; birthdays, concerts, night parties...
I start my art teaching gig next week, have started mentally planning for a independent business venture, and will be connecting with my cousin to use some of her networks...
I feel fine, I feel strong in love, in family, and in optimism.
But this week I also felt scared, and worried, and shameful; when my aunt was taken to the ER after falling in the driveway. I know I can't be there to catch her every time, but I have to make a conscious effort to be more available.
I also felt anxious, and tense, and tired this week-- my 40 mile drive to work on the busiest LA freeways are starting to take a toll.
I guess those things seem insignificant compared to all the goodness around...my family is here visiting, I have extra cash to do some fun things for myself, and my aunt is well, laughing like her normal self in that hospital bed.

As i write out this blog i realize that everything balances itself out, soon my aunt will be home, and I will have learned something new; a new way to help, a new way to be better prepared.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Creative, Comforting Moments

There are quite a few things I need to catch up with on this blog. To my credit, I have been posting up to Mike and Rei Dine Outin the last few weeks. We have enjoyed some relaxing evenings and incredible times together eating out.
I have been working hard at Mark Burnett since the middle of March; it feels great to be on a routine, a part of something, and it gives me motivation to keep trying harder to find my preferred spot in this industry.
I was also proud of myself the last two weeks for two reasons. One, I managed to get 'caught up' with my to do list. Any urgent or anxious thing that had been racking my mind got taken care of one day at a time until one day I was left feeling empty and discombobulated because I felt like I had forgotten something.
Then, I managed to squeeze in some art projects. I figured that just because I was working again, I shouldn't deprive myself of my creative impulses.
So, one evening, I cut up some magazines and made Mikey some book marks. Bookmark for Defreitas-hilarious And on monday, I decided to paint a portrait for my friends Robin and Ray as a wedding gift. It's not quite ready, but I am very proud of it and think that they will be pleased.
Robin/Ray painting Mike and I also just got back from a party in their honor tonight, at a beautiful home in Redlands. It was a wonderful party. I am looking forward more and more to the big day and to being a part of it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

tick. tock.

I'm back on track, well on some kind of a broken up, uneven track, that you have to hop over sometimes when you reach a crack.
I've sort of always pictured this ideal life for myself since I was a girl. A life of independence, meaning, I have obtained all my status on my own, my house, my lifestyle, etc.
I guess I pictured I would be there by now, as a girl, 25 was a full grown adult.
But I feel young still, in the sense that, I have a lot to experience. I feel grown, in the sense that I am ready to take the responsibility of that independence.
So I grow impatient.

It is a comforting thing to know that I will never be homeless or hungry. And I am grateful for that.
I think that my desires are not outlandish, materialistic, or selfish, and so I allow myself to dream of them freely.
I am anxious, impatient, ungrateful at times.
I want to get out, leave, take everything in at once!
But, with patience, I think the end result will be much sweeter.
The clock is ticking, I don't know what is around the corner.