Wednesday, March 4, 2009
this morning, I had a wave of clarity. I am trying desperately to hold on to it. What is holding me back? What fears do I have about moving forward? About having the most complete, loving life?
My body woke 15 minutes before my scheduled alarm; at 8:45. I called the Unemployment office, to no avail; I have to call before 8 or after 6pm apparently.
I felt calm, awake-but more present. I lay down next to Mikey and I had a thought. Use this early morning time to submit my resumes, so the submission is on the top of the pile--it was Mikey's suggestion. Then I thought of something else encouraging he had said or done to me in the last few weeks.
Was I fearful of being with him? And why? Just a few moments ago I had dreamt two couples were lying in bed, in love, but I read their thoughts. They chose to keep truths from each other: for the "betterment" of their relationship.
Am I being truthful?
I love him, but have I accepted him fully?
What type of relationship do I seek? Not only with a partner, but with my family and friends?
I have always valued communication and honesty.
Of the relationships today that I feel I've scarred, had I been completely honest and communicated truths?
Is this what is holding me back from accepting myself?
Am I holding myself back because I have these underlying fears of disappointing my family because I am open to religion?
Meaning, that I don't burden myself with the hope that all others will accept my beliefs, that I am not daily worried by the fact that some will not be 'saved'.
Here, with my partner, I feel accepted. I feel supported endlessly with no conditions. I am encouraged, challenged mentally, and receive...something different, not to discredit my loving family, but something that I needed in the areas of my life that were unfilled.
And this is new, and true, and a bit scary to accept.