Friday, February 27, 2009

dis connected.


perhaps it is the lamest thing ever to think of this. Having been laid off at a company that I devoted so much personal passion and optimism and hope and just regular old hard work of myself, I can't help but feel disconnected.
Obviously I AM disconnected. But the idea of working towards something together is something that I miss. Perhaps I even feel like I may not be as welcomed as each day passes. The things I think that I will still be able to do there and work at, may get brushed off.
It's hard to tell now, I am not connected.
I am not a part of a whole in the working world, and that is the hardest thing for me to chew.
I guess this time is meant to challenge me to learn to work independently. To find out what talents I can work out on my own, that I owe it to myself to refine and put out there in the world?
Perhaps this is too optimistic, but I have nothing to lose by being optimistic, and of course, much more to lose by thinking of things negatively.

friends, dinner, and a movie

Today was the first day of me being out of work again.
I have been here before; I sit at home feeling sorry for myself, bored, eagerly looking for work online or coming up with creative pay ideas. I try my best to spend it being 'productive'.
But I decided today would be different. I wouldn't give myself any time to get wrapped up in that mindset. I didn't have to. I deserved to enjoy my current state.
I have been wanting to visit my friend, especially after speaking to her on the phone briefly yesterday, so I gave her a call and headed over. Without any premeditation.

I had a wonderful day. I feel refreshed, genuinely happy, and optimistic.
Life is good and I'm just like everyone else in it. Confused, frustrated, worried, unsure...but how great was it to have an open thursday to visit with a friend?
I hope that I can recognize this more, and be grateful for wonderful moments and relationships I am getting to build as a result of not working.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Grumpy.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Also, the time between when I get up and I leave for work is very short (about 2 1/2 hours), and in that short time, it's hard to "liven up". So, I still feel pretty 'grumpy'.
My boyfriend keeps reminding me to "Smile" and "Remember I am loved" which is something so genuine that makes me feel worse on a day when I am having trouble appreciating anything.

So, I just keep repeating his words over in my head. And it helps.

One thing I thought of today was how I take such advantage of the things I have. Like my truck. I paid for it all myself, and it is nice. I like trucks, and I got what I wanted for me. I took a step back and really looked at it today and felt good about that.
I will try to do that more often so that things don't lose their value and my hard work doesn't lose its meaning.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Tree Gazing

Feb 22- tree gazing
On a gloomy, no plans or responsibilities day like today, I went for a walk with Mikey. We tend to choose days like today where the weather is cool and unusual to go for a stroll. What's nice about the weather or the time of day we chose for our walks is that the streets are quieter. People are more or less inside, and so we can focus on the sky, the homes, the sounds, the trees. In the small area that we covered on our walk we encountered so many different types of trees. I couldn't name any of them, it was neat to think that even though some had big sturdy trunks, skinnier, taller trunks, and different kinds of branches, they all managed to stand tall and survive.
Today I felt a little indifferent, and so going on this walk really freshened my mind set. I love enjoying things like this with Mikey, we always have interesting things to talk about and reflect on.
I'm so grateful to have him as my partner for walks like these.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Waiting

I never thought I could feel so bored.
All the things I never thought I'd get to, like painting, cleaning, are completed to perfection and I don't know what else to do.
I'm mad at myself for concentrating on this.
I know it could be way worse.
So, that reflection makes me feel even worse and then it starts all over again.
I finally got through it and ate dinner, watched some TV, and played a game of scrabble with my aunt.
Now, I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming home so I can start my weekend.
feb 20 scrabble
I'd like to remember these moments, these uncomfortable times, with content.
I try as hard as I can, but I know I can't be mad at myself for feeling what I feel.
I know these feelings will make the better moments feel even better.

Now I just have to wait, for them to come.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

BLa


it's disgusting.
walking around the house like a zombie.
doing more than necessary, finishing things and then feeling lost.
i have to do something different,
so my mind won't slow down with my body.
my head is pounding,
tv repeats itself. program, commercial, new program...
and the day seems so long.

the picture above is of a man i saw walking on the freeway. In the opposing direction of traffic. I wonder where he was going or if he even knew.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

checking in...

I feel saddened cause I have little to report and little to show for the past couple days. I guess those moments are just as important to reflect on though.
I have an expected few days off, Mark Burnett doesn't need me to transcribe til the end of the week when they have shot some more content. You'd think I'd be happy to have some free extra paid days, but I really wish I was working.

So now I feel like I should be taking this time to look for work, build a site for the side business I will start with my mom and sis, network, etc, but...I don't enjoy being on the internet for extended periods of time... it kinda makes me sleepy.

One thing I am learning is that I am an active person who needs to be mentally and physically active. So new ideas are keeping my brain active; but new paid opportunities have yet to come to me.

So that's all there is. Trying to stay motivated and inspired at every turn. It gets more difficult each time.

On the up though, I had a pleasant dinner at my aunt and uncle's house on sunday. It was a grown up invitation and I felt very happy to be there with my boyfriend. Then Mikey and I went Cosmic mini-golfing on a free coupon...looking forward to our dinners though once I get my first check.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentines Eve

So today, I had an unexpected day off from work, where I was able to catch up on blogging, go Trader Joe's shopping, make cookies, watch What Not to Wear, and do a little more painting.
Amidst the stress of looking for a job, and driving to the Westside to transcribe for Mark Burnett, I am able to find little bouts of happiness in moments of creativity.
I mailed out all of my hand painted Valentine's cards yesterday. I get butterflies imagining each individual's expression and thoughts when they open up the card. I also painted some goodie bags for my aunt to give to her two friends.
V-day hand painted gift bags

It is wonderful to be working, doing my own thing, feeling productive and come back to my boyfriend, who is always so loving and supportive and I can share all my feelings with.
Each day makes for an extended feeling of, 'I really don't know what is going to happen next.'
But I think I like that feeling even better than being a part of something and not feeling for sure that it's the place for me.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Weekend of Family and Great Skies

I neglected blogging since thursday, and come today, I am not much in the mood for it... Actually, I noticed I'm not much in the mood for anything today-which is an emotion that bothers me.
Tomorrow I start my first day at work, which will keep me busy for two weeks, but I am sensing little action outside of that which means, I need to be thinking about what I am going to do when that is over.
So i am going to do this blog post very simply. Photo followed by brief explanation.
Feb 5- Sympathy taping
Thursday, I attended the taping of the film, Sympathy for Delicious, where I was in the crowd while Orlando Bloom and Juliette Lewis performed onstage. It was cool, but I got hungry and at the end it wasn't very organized. This event made me start to think about how I might want to work on set of a film.
feb 6- clouds amidst the rain
Driving down to San Diego friday afternoon was both tense, and extremely relaxing. The rain and dark clouds were ominous, but when the sun peeked through and at different moments, the sky was absolutely breath taking.
feb 7 makayla is sweet
Here's my sister. She is the littlest of the three. Each time I go down, I learn something new about her. I think she is growing to be a bright, genuine, and incredibly interesting person.
my cool dad
My dad. My dad and uncle went to the Buick Invitational on friday. It was great to come home to such a lively house. My dad has been more present lately, and I like having him around.
Syreeta and I at her bridal shower
I felt very privileged to be at Syreeta's bridal shower saturday. I am happy to be her friend, and to have been a part of her life and family all these years. The shower was beautiful and I was very happy to have my mom there with me. She is awesome.
trying to capture the beautiful moon
If only I could capture the moon more accurately. I love looking up at the sky lately. The weather is so magical and mysterious.
I think my next series of paintings is going to be on the sky and clouds.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

in preparation...

All of my valentines are done, and enveloped, and addressed, now I think I will make a few more, just cause they came out so nice :)
Today, I did some yard work, which was something I had wanted to do to help my aunt out, since she cant move around very easily. We came across some old songbooks in the garage, most of which she said she didn't need any longer. I am hoping my cousin (who works at the LAOpera) will help me find a home for some of these great, old books. They seem too precious to trash.
Feb.4-old songbooks
Currently, I am listening to "Carmen", the opera, on my computer and trying to map out the current month.
I think it is going to be great for me to get back to work next week...even if it is only temporary. I have some creative ideas for things I can prep during any free time I have during this period, so that I can make some money when its over just in case I still cant find a job.
I feel lucky to have family close by, cause this month is looking tight in consideration of getting my bills paid.
Money, money, money, money...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

a project, a do-good feel

Last night I indulged in Amelie, a french movie about a lonely girl who does good deeds for others anonymously.
I thought, how nice if we could have this on our mind more often.
I think my Valentine's day cards will fulfill my do-good-er desire.
Painting them by hand allowed me to personalize them and make them special. It was fun, so I made extras to send to people I might not normally wish a Happy Valentine's.
This artistic activity also stirred up my juices... might I try to make cards for every occasion? could I get paid to do this?
Feb 3- painting valentines
Truth is, when I get a job, my efforts will be focused there, and so making cards could become a chore. So, I will try to not think too far ahead, and instead, enjoy my little successes, no matter how small.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Deep thoughts in the shampoo aisle and trips back in time

I went for a ride with my Aunt to run a few errands today. I wasn't too talkative, kinda mellow, and inner-reflective(if that is a word).
A couple of things caught my interest on a day like this, when on other days I might completely overlook them.
I was overwhelmed, amazed, and visually stimulated by the inside of the supermarket. So many colors, product casings, delicate displays, and careful shelving.
rows and rows of shampoo-which to chose?
If viewed as simply a photograph and not a photograph of a supermarket, I think you can see what I mean by visually stimulating.
carefully displayed fruits
Not to mention that I was in Stater Bros. I had an interesting time last time I took a "trip" there.

Then, since without cash I have been craving the need for more "things", I decided to visit the local library and get a card. Figured I could also find out what's going on in the community if I decide I'm bored or want to do some volunteer work.
I had a glorious time.
The best was when I walked up the magical stairs to the Children's section.
As I walked along the now chest-level shelves, I felt that I was 8 years old, smiling and running my fingers along their bindings.
The books looked and smelled the same as they did then. I felt myself get excited.
my gifts from the library
What I got:
CD-Orchestral Fireworks(Strauss and others)
CD-Verdi, Guiseppe (Aida and others)
CD-Carmen the opera
CD-Duke Ellington, Happy Reunion
CD-Speak in a Week! "Street Smart" Spanish
DVD-Amelie (with english subtitles
Book-Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, Roald Dahl

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Not Bored in LA

The last couple of days have been a bit more eventful, to my pleasure.
Friday, I occupied myself with internet browsing, cooking, converting, and a new task; painting Valentine's Day Cards.
Saturday, I went to my cousin's 1st birthday (a playful day in the park) and in the evening, drove to the Ragazzi Room for a unique art/music show sponsored by BoredLa.
My friend Monique's art was on display, so I got to visit with her for a bit, but I was especially excited to see Jessie, USC student, BoredLA contributor, and my most extraordinary intern from the Vlaze Days.
a piece by my friend Monique
It was a bit crowded (for art gazing), but very successful for a first event! Check out BoredLA for more info.