Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Goodbye '09


This year.
This year was unlike any I have ever lived through.
One of reflection; on myself and everything around me.
After all that I have been, I am now here, at twenty-six years old, and I feel like a child learning about the world.
All that I was sure of, is now open- to possibilities, to randomness.
And some unusual things have become more sure to me. Some unexpected things.
I've been up and down, bored and busy. Inspired and dull, high and low.
But my life has opened up-
...or, perhaps, I have opened up.
Looking back, I am surprised.
Really surprised to feel okay with this year.
Because, this year, I became more me.
I began to learn more about the Reinel that I would like to be.
She is not here just yet, but she will be fully alive one day soon.
:)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

it's quiet.


now that school is over, i realized that I haven't fully rested. Sure, I lounged around the last three days, but my mind was occupied with my job search, unemployment, scholarships, other little projects, getting together with family, gift giving, and making sure I'm taking care of those I need to take care of.
Another thing I have noticed is my boyfriend seems to be growing weary of his situation. All the while I complain and mull over my unemployment, he has been listening intently and never pushing any of his personal sentiments on me.
Sometimes I think he is emotionally perfect, but I have to remember that is not true. What is satisfying about this reflection is I see that I am trying to be a better companion. Every day, I find it more important. Not just to the relationship, but to my personal, emotional intelligence. I want him to tell me what he is feeling, but I know that if I don't push, it might come out later, more naturally, when he is ready. Those are always wonderful surprises for me-- when he confides in me his insecurities and fears.

We don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Will I get a call for another temp job that will hold me over for a day? Will I finally get an interview? Am I making the right choices to ensure the ideal future that I am dreaming about for myself?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Here comes Christmas!

Two weeks from Christmas and I am barely starting to think about it! This year, I do not have money to spend on gifts, so I am doing the last minute 'craft' idea that I can hopefully modify for everyone on my list.
I get a week to plan my financial future, a weekend with my friends at the Opera, and then a week at home before Xmas. Then, I may go up to San Francisco for New Years with my boyfriend. So far, my break sounds pretty great.
This will be time off fully appreciated, and which will rev me up for another quarter at Antioch!
Looking forward to spending time with my family and appreciating those things which being broke can't take away from me.

Me and my niece Hanna
Me and Makayla!! :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

giving thanks

I've been away for some time from this blog, but I have not been with out inspirational thoughts and meaningful moments during this time. I like to accompany my thoughts with something visual, so that is why I haven't bothered to post.
But now, I feel I need to reference my state of mind, so that I can continue, so that I can come back and blog some more.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I am with my family :) I was able to spend some time with my brother as well, color with my niece, and play with my rapidly growing twin nephews! Now, I am torn between school work and precious time with the fam.
My goal is to live tomorrow like all I have to do in the world is be there-fully.
...This is how I am trying to look at my days more often actually...
I've always acted like a carefree, risk-taking person, but I am beginning to realize how difficult it is to 'live in the moment'.
So my goal is to live by that moral, fully.
While there are lots of very important things to 'worry' about each day, tomorrow I will ignore them, and give thanks for all of the wealth that exists in my life. :)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I survived my first week of grad school!


So far so good. This first week was tough; lots to absorb, interpret, and apply. The challenge was great motivation for me though, especially because I have spent the majority of this entire year feeling counterproductive, lazy, and under-stimulated. Involving myself in this program, applying myself, and being challenged with these assignments is just what I needed. My hope is that things will start to look up from here. My goal is that through the course of my studies, I will gain a clearer understanding of 'what I ought to be doing with my life'. And from there, all my other goals; purchase a place of my own, get a dog, travel, etc., will fall into place. And maybe there will be other things that I didn't expect. That is what I am discovering right now. That you should never expect that everything will work out just as you planned. Because chances are, things will turn out better.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Beef Stew and a Day full of graduate work!


Yesterday was Saturday. And unlike most people relaxing after a week full of work, I was continuing with Day 3 of full-mode graduate school homework completion. It was grueling. And today is no 'day off' either. I'm hoping as time goes on, I will adjust to the load and be able to have at least one day of 'rest' ;)
I did manage to make a delicious dinner last night though. I even wore an apron that my mom made me with an "R" on it. As an ode to the fall weather, I made a hot, tasty, beef stew. I took pictures to remind me of my satisfied accomplishment and to encourage me to learn more new things. Of the two taste testers, Mikey and my aunt, the result seems to be favorable, so I shall be making the stew again in the future!
By the way, I got the recipe in the October issue of fitness. There are many more to try as well.
There were other moments throughout my day that seemed to lift my spirits. My dad sent me a 'Miss you' card which is an uncommon act seeing as how busy and 'macho' he is. LOL, he's not that macho, but dad's aren't as sentimental as mom, you know what I mean.
How I know I had a good day despite the stress of my course work? I had pleasant dreams, and I woke up smiling, for a while anyways. At least until it was time to eat and Mikey's jokes were no longer cutting it.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Almost through my first week of school!


Technically, I've completed the class portion, but today is like a school day in that I am devoting all my energy into finishing my homework. There is a lot to accomplish. So far, I am not overwhelmed, but I am looking forward to being near finished so that I can prepare myself for my second week.
The content I am reading is interesting and appropriate. Today I read about how to rate personality, and the importance of emotion and mood in the workplace. These are topics I have always wondered about and gone over in my head. It's such a neat experience to read about my thoughts in a book-- to be learning more about them.
My work environment feels comfortable. I have the internet, a cozy, bed, and the ability to control the environment throughout the day.

Today I walked to the post office. Once in a while I'll opt to walk instead of drive, seeing as how the trip is less than a mile. There is something very liberating about walking. I realized this today. When you get into your car, you become 'the' creature of habit, of rules, of opening the door, finding the keys, starting the car, buckling your seat belt, watching for dangers, pulling out of the lot, stopping at red lights, etc, etc. Sure I have to follow some rules when I'm walking considering that there are a lot of much larger things that could run me over, but generally, when you walk, you just open the door, walk outside, walk to your destination, do your business there, and walk out. Soon, you're right back where you started. :)
(this picture was taken of me at the Museum of Modern Art in San Francisco earlier this year by Mikey)

Friday, September 25, 2009

today was a good day.

Tonight I made salmon with rice pilaf and spinach for dinner. I was not looking forward to cooking since I came directly from shopping at Wal-Mart and Home Depot. I was angry that I had forgotten my reusable bags, and angry at the unnecessary amount of plastic bags that I inherited. Also, there is a certain amount of patience I must sustain when shopping with my aunt. All in all, it was a productive trip, I know that I stress out sometimes when I shouldn't. Plus, my dinner was delicious.
I am really excited about this magazine, Fitness because it has great, healthy recipes, tons of workouts, and other essential information. It's like my health bible/cookbook! Today, I excitedly bought the October issue-- my September issue is so worn from use!
Yesterday, I hung out with my cousin all evening. We went to a very interesting talk at the LA library (which was beautiful). The speaker was the author of a book called No Impact Man and it was very enlightening! Then my cousin and I walked around downtown, and went to her apartment and had a long talk about life, family, and more. It was awesome, and uplifting!
The knowledge that school is approaching is giving me a more positive mood, I think. Today was kind of exciting. I wanted to send friendly texts to my family members and closest friends, just to let them know I was thinking of them. That actually felt very good. I think if I can try to do that every time I think of them, it will bring up the moods of both parties. Now that school is starting, I feel like I have a purpose to get organized. To make lists, to write things down--to get things done. So today was a good day, but I should sleep now, so I can have a similarly good one tomorrow :)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

coming up with solutions

its really really hard to put into words how i feel right now. it is something i have never experienced before. I am used to being active, to working, studying, moving. My days are so slow and uneventful, that I sleep more, and look forward to sleep in the hopes that tomorrow will be more exciting. I wish I could behave differently. I know that I can feel better if I just will it so. But it is not easy. It's easier to claim defeat. It's easier to feel unworthy. And of course, that only fuels the sentiment more. I know, I know.
So that is it. and I think the more I think about this, the more I try to come up with solutions.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Camping with some friends!

This summer has been a long one, filled with small road trips, family visits, and unexpected outings. I always have family nearby to celebrate with, but when I get invited to be with friends, I remember how lucky I am to have great people around me. I'd been meaning to go camping now for quite some time, so I jumped on the opportunity to go to Santa Barbara with Robin, Ray, Tiffany, and Amanda in August.

Mikey and I battled and conquered the circus of a tent that I borrowed from my parents, we spent a lot of time sipping beers and laughing around the campfire, and we even strolled around Santa Barbara and got a little tipsy!
="180" alt="My cute bf" />
just for fun
Everyone had a great time, and I'm looking forward to our next outdoor trip!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

here I am.

I've finally grown accustomed to my situation. Instead of fighting it, I have found ways to enjoy it. The best part is that I have so much free time, all of the things I could never get to are waiting for me to pursue.
I know I will look back on this time and be happy. I try the best that I can, and nothing bad can come out of that.
It is so important for me to stay motivated right now. To stay optimistic.
I feel that by eating healthy and exercising, I will get the stimulation that my body needs. That my brain needs.
So I continue to occupy my time with family, friends, cooking, reading, new interests like gardening, playing the drum, and running of course. Someday this will make sense.
I will say; I am grateful that I had that time to hone those skills, because now I am more prepared. Now I am better equipped.
These words seem floaty, but I do believe them.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

warm summer nights

I'd like to be outside in "my" yard, with low lights, maybe some candles or stringed lights hanging in the trees, with some soft music, maybe some reggae, Kcrw late night, early morning program, enjoying the easy breeze, maybe having a drink. Perhaps there is a waterfall there, or a pool, or maybe I'm in a jacuzzi, just kicking back.
This is a simple place, big enough for me and my love, and for friends and family on occasion. The things I hang on the walls, the place that I place each item, is chosen by me, it is a place where I can express myself. There is room for me to be creative, to move, to relax, to experiment, to be organized, to be me.
Is this place somewhere? Or do I create this space wherever I am at?
Can I find myself there soon?
I am very impatient. I am not sure that I can be sure that having what I want when I want it will satisfy me.
But I feel so vividly what I desire so often.
It feels far away.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"Lull"

Being in a place of "lull" can be very slow-motion. You sort of drift in there, time moves very slowly. In some ways this is good, only I worry that I lack motivation, the normal fire that would encourage my brain to work towards new ideas.
The heat and the emptiness of the days can cause an unknowing change of pace. Visiting with family and friends and playing in the sunny weather seems enticing at every corner.
Days follow each other, and if you don't hold your breath, something will happen soon enough. Each day that passes is one closer to change.
Creating change seems most desirable. Being mediocre is getting dull. The sooner I can taste my goals, the more fulfilled I will be (?).
One day at a time, one action at a time, new ideas sprouting up at any moment.
That is how I shall be. That is how I will take each day.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Best Birthday.

Today was the day of the year that I got to celebrate me. And I have been celebrating the occasion for what seems like days. I started my weekend with a tea party to celebrate my friend's birthday.
On Saturday, fourth of July, my family came over and we had a great BBQ! I was so happy to have them there, I even went out and got some sparklers for us to enjoy. Grandma came by, as well as Mikey and two of his friends that were in town visiting. It was a very happy day for me to have my favorite people with me on my first day off of work again.
Kaya is flame swallower!!
Sunday was the concert! Death Cab for Cutie at the Hollywood Bowl. A great band, a magnificent venue, a glorious day, family, friends, food, and fireworks! I think everyone had a great time, and I felt honored that everyone made the effort to celebrate with me.
On monday, I treated my cousin Stephanie to dinner, as a belated birthday gift to her. We had a great time chatting and catching up.
Today was my actual birthday, but after all the festivities, I was happy to relax at home. I taught art to a small group of preschoolers this morning and then I bought a jump rope. I plugged in my mp3 player and did some exercise. I feel really great about that. Then I watched the premiere of the show I have been working on, Great American Road Trip, went to dinner with Mikey, and am now calling it a night.
As each year passes, I grow more and more appreciative of every person that I have in my life. And realize that I am where I am today because of them. I am also very happy to have Mikey in my life now, and look forward to more birthdays together.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Road Trip to AZ and a cute baby.

That rhymes.
What more could you want from a weekend getaway? Mike and I took a late saturday drive down the 10 to Phoenix, Arizona to visit Mikey's friends the Benjamins. Once in Phoenix, we checked in to our hotel and got some Applebees for the night. Which happened to be the only place open at 11pm on a saturday (wtf?)
We woke well rested and got ready for the surprise 30th birthday party for Dave, that would be a sort of 'traveling surprise' party if you will, or a 'bring the party to you' party. We met his friends and family around the corner from his house with balloons and pizza and then caravaned to his house together.
Fun with balloons
The surprise was a success! We hung out at their great little house, played with their 6 month old son, Jackson, and met some of their friends.
I am very glad that I have been introduced to these wonderful people and that I get to share memories with them.
Our trip to Arizona was a relaxed, memorable one that I hope to recreate soon.
adorable baby Jackson

Sunday, June 7, 2009

new kittehs

Mikeh <3 kitteh
So, I don't love cats. But, I live with four cats (five including Mikey's), and recently, we inherited four more.
It has turned into a big responsibility, and my aunt is unable to care for them like she used to. So, I am left with the delightful job of finding them homes, feeding them all, and getting the mama cat fixed.
Luckily, my boyfriend loves cats as much as my aunt. So, he has taken to caring for them, getting rid of their fleas, and soon enough, we will have the mama cat de-mammafied.
It's been a tough road, and Mikey has the scars, scratches, and blood wounds to prove it. Let's just say, mama cat was never very friendly. Not my favorite creature.
But the kitties are growing now, and developing individual personalities. Hopefully, some friends of ours will step up and take them into our homes, cause unfortunately, there is most likely a short future for them anywhere else we may take them.

My Best Friend's Wedding

Last month was very busy. I was working a temp job, but it ended just before my best friend's wedding festivities. First, the bachelorette party, of course. We spent a weekend in San Diego, went for sushi, and bar hopped downtown! Check out the pics, especially the sign and visors I made for the crew!
Robin's Bachelorette Beach Brothel
The next week we prepared for the wedding; the rehearsal was on a lovely thursday evening. Ray's parents treated us all to a lovely dinner at the Underground. Then, we waited in anticipation for the wedding!
Me and the bride-Wedding Rehearsal Dinner
Everything was beautiful and lovely! Their close friend led the ceremony; it was touching and perfect for the two of them. I felt very proud standing up there with my friend, and all of these new, amazing friends that I have made as a result of their union. My mother did the flowers(which were gorgeous, of course) and my sister was the photographer, and I can't wait to see the photos and reminisce on the excellent day!

Monday, May 4, 2009

A hectic month! swaps, plays, and grub

There are so many little moments when I think of a great blog post, but have no time to get it written. Many events have also come and gone, so I have a lot of catching up to do on my blogging.
A wonderful friend of mine invited me to a 'Clothes Swap' back in November. I brought my cousin, and our eyes were opened to this magical world of swapping clothes! It was great to feel like I had a 'fresh' wardrobe without having to spend a dime! Plus, I was able to rid my closet of stuff that was taking space, and hand them off to an eager swapper. My sisters were, of course, ecstatic about this concept and begged me to invite them to the next one. Well, when the party was delayed, I decided to throw one of my own with my cousin Stephanie. Click on the photo for more images of our fun party!
'Spring Clean' Clothes Swap
It had been a hectic week for me, checking in on my aunt, having family to visit, and working nights on the other side of town. But looking back on all the events I have to blog about, I have no regrets.
On my family blog, WeAreTheCampas, I recount a short trip to Santa Barbara the play my brother directed at Laguna Blanca. It was called Pippin, and was, of course, outstanding.
My boyfriend and I were also busy with MikeAndReiDineOut. We used up our last gift card, snuck out to Chevy's and stumbling upon some new, classy restaurants.
And the thing I am most proud of after this hectic month? I still took some time to do art. Maybe teaching the students twice a week has been inspiring. Whatever the reason, I am very pleased with the work that I have to look back on, and the joy I think it gives others to receive it.

Friday, April 17, 2009

that unbalanced feeling

As I near the end of my temp job, I am also excitedly gearing up for what is next. The summer always brings about fun activities; birthdays, concerts, night parties...
I start my art teaching gig next week, have started mentally planning for a independent business venture, and will be connecting with my cousin to use some of her networks...
I feel fine, I feel strong in love, in family, and in optimism.
But this week I also felt scared, and worried, and shameful; when my aunt was taken to the ER after falling in the driveway. I know I can't be there to catch her every time, but I have to make a conscious effort to be more available.
I also felt anxious, and tense, and tired this week-- my 40 mile drive to work on the busiest LA freeways are starting to take a toll.
I guess those things seem insignificant compared to all the goodness around...my family is here visiting, I have extra cash to do some fun things for myself, and my aunt is well, laughing like her normal self in that hospital bed.

As i write out this blog i realize that everything balances itself out, soon my aunt will be home, and I will have learned something new; a new way to help, a new way to be better prepared.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Creative, Comforting Moments

There are quite a few things I need to catch up with on this blog. To my credit, I have been posting up to Mike and Rei Dine Outin the last few weeks. We have enjoyed some relaxing evenings and incredible times together eating out.
I have been working hard at Mark Burnett since the middle of March; it feels great to be on a routine, a part of something, and it gives me motivation to keep trying harder to find my preferred spot in this industry.
I was also proud of myself the last two weeks for two reasons. One, I managed to get 'caught up' with my to do list. Any urgent or anxious thing that had been racking my mind got taken care of one day at a time until one day I was left feeling empty and discombobulated because I felt like I had forgotten something.
Then, I managed to squeeze in some art projects. I figured that just because I was working again, I shouldn't deprive myself of my creative impulses.
So, one evening, I cut up some magazines and made Mikey some book marks. Bookmark for Defreitas-hilarious And on monday, I decided to paint a portrait for my friends Robin and Ray as a wedding gift. It's not quite ready, but I am very proud of it and think that they will be pleased.
Robin/Ray painting Mike and I also just got back from a party in their honor tonight, at a beautiful home in Redlands. It was a wonderful party. I am looking forward more and more to the big day and to being a part of it.

Friday, April 3, 2009

tick. tock.

I'm back on track, well on some kind of a broken up, uneven track, that you have to hop over sometimes when you reach a crack.
I've sort of always pictured this ideal life for myself since I was a girl. A life of independence, meaning, I have obtained all my status on my own, my house, my lifestyle, etc.
I guess I pictured I would be there by now, as a girl, 25 was a full grown adult.
But I feel young still, in the sense that, I have a lot to experience. I feel grown, in the sense that I am ready to take the responsibility of that independence.
So I grow impatient.

It is a comforting thing to know that I will never be homeless or hungry. And I am grateful for that.
I think that my desires are not outlandish, materialistic, or selfish, and so I allow myself to dream of them freely.
I am anxious, impatient, ungrateful at times.
I want to get out, leave, take everything in at once!
But, with patience, I think the end result will be much sweeter.
The clock is ticking, I don't know what is around the corner.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

a friend's wedding, and little time to catch up

I'm trying to remind myself of the days where I was so bored, I wanted to cry.
Since this weekend, I haven't had much time to catch my breath, with starting more work at Mark Burnett, interviewing for a teaching job, and trying to assess where I am at with my bills and other random things.
It's all very non-stressful, I actually enjoy this level of stress, where I need to make lists and plan, but I miss having extra time for blogging.
So I will make this brief and come back to my current state soon.
My mom and I had pretty name placards
I posted up photos of the wedding on my flickr. My mom did the flowers and I helped. You can see all our preparation on my family blog.
I was very impressed by the wedding and truly happy to see my friend celebrate a special day with the man of her life.
Most of all, I truly enjoyed my time with my family this weekend. Working with them, laughing with them, and just learning more about them day after day.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

dining out and playing with flowers

I have been doing a lot of blogging on my two other blogs. We Are The Campas recounts all the adventures and events that have been happening with my crazy family. Having their support and...just having them around has been a great distraction from my current financial woes. I have been having a lot of fun.
Then, my boyfriend and I have gone out to eat a few times (also thanks to his Discover card points we have some gift cards). Check out our blog where we review our dining experiences.
Overall, I have felt more positive, engaged, and hopeful. It is nice to take a slower pace, evaluate what is going on around you and really enjoy everything.
I grow to appreciate this more and more.
weird

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

things lightening up

when it rains it pours, a phrase that describes negative events, but the same seems to hold for positive things too.
I have been keeping busy with family events and other events like painting, volunteering, and site building on my own. Then, I resolved my issue with unemployment and also managed to snag another temp job at Mark Burnett. Except this one goes for 7 weeks. Which is the perfect amount of time for me to get rolling.
I'm not there yet, but it feels nice to not be in a slump, to be on an incline, even if its towards the bottom is better than nothing.
Plus I just finished a fun video for a 3rd grade class that I volunteered to help in. We shot an improv type video and then I cut it together. It will be presented at their open house on thursday.

fun.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Walking saved my life

Perhaps not my life, but my day. Days should not be wasted, but it's hard not to want them to go by faster at this time.
I woke up late, around 2pm. But I was also up at 6am, 7am, and then again at 8am trying to get a hold of Unemployment. No luck. Frustration builds.
Then, after eating a small meal, at around 4pm I got extremely lethargic and sleepy.
Instead of napping I decided to take a walk. I didn't know where I was going, or how far, but the weather was so nice, and I just needed a new perspective.
March 10-going for a walk
I have to admit it helped some. I know our bodies need exercise, any kind of movement to stimulate our blood and give us energy, so naturally I experienced that. I am going to try to remember to do this the next time I feel like I may pull my hair out.
Looking forward to the rest of this week, which I know will be more eventful.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

trying to move forward.

Let's see.
Today, I was supposed to help out in a 3rd grade class, my effort to get involved where people are, so that my days will go by a little faster.
Next week, I will start in the class, and maybe even contribute my video knowledge to some projects.
I can't contact Unemployment by phone. Makes sense. I really hope I will still be able to receive checks. I'm worried.

I'm starting some new supplements to see if it helps with my moodiness. Tried to eat often and well.
black and white flowers
Mostly, I painted the frames for the baby shower this weekend. I'm surprised I'm not more excited for my involvement in the planning. I guess when I am around others, that excitement will come around.

Hey, if you need me to paint something, I will be happy to oblige!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Nine AM


this morning, I had a wave of clarity. I am trying desperately to hold on to it. What is holding me back? What fears do I have about moving forward? About having the most complete, loving life?
My body woke 15 minutes before my scheduled alarm; at 8:45. I called the Unemployment office, to no avail; I have to call before 8 or after 6pm apparently.
I felt calm, awake-but more present. I lay down next to Mikey and I had a thought. Use this early morning time to submit my resumes, so the submission is on the top of the pile--it was Mikey's suggestion. Then I thought of something else encouraging he had said or done to me in the last few weeks.
Was I fearful of being with him? And why? Just a few moments ago I had dreamt two couples were lying in bed, in love, but I read their thoughts. They chose to keep truths from each other: for the "betterment" of their relationship.
Am I being truthful?
I love him, but have I accepted him fully?
What type of relationship do I seek? Not only with a partner, but with my family and friends?
I have always valued communication and honesty.
Of the relationships today that I feel I've scarred, had I been completely honest and communicated truths?
Is this what is holding me back from accepting myself?
Am I holding myself back because I have these underlying fears of disappointing my family because I am open to religion?
Meaning, that I don't burden myself with the hope that all others will accept my beliefs, that I am not daily worried by the fact that some will not be 'saved'.
Here, with my partner, I feel accepted. I feel supported endlessly with no conditions. I am encouraged, challenged mentally, and receive...something different, not to discredit my loving family, but something that I needed in the areas of my life that were unfilled.
And this is new, and true, and a bit scary to accept.

Friday, February 27, 2009

dis connected.


perhaps it is the lamest thing ever to think of this. Having been laid off at a company that I devoted so much personal passion and optimism and hope and just regular old hard work of myself, I can't help but feel disconnected.
Obviously I AM disconnected. But the idea of working towards something together is something that I miss. Perhaps I even feel like I may not be as welcomed as each day passes. The things I think that I will still be able to do there and work at, may get brushed off.
It's hard to tell now, I am not connected.
I am not a part of a whole in the working world, and that is the hardest thing for me to chew.
I guess this time is meant to challenge me to learn to work independently. To find out what talents I can work out on my own, that I owe it to myself to refine and put out there in the world?
Perhaps this is too optimistic, but I have nothing to lose by being optimistic, and of course, much more to lose by thinking of things negatively.

friends, dinner, and a movie

Today was the first day of me being out of work again.
I have been here before; I sit at home feeling sorry for myself, bored, eagerly looking for work online or coming up with creative pay ideas. I try my best to spend it being 'productive'.
But I decided today would be different. I wouldn't give myself any time to get wrapped up in that mindset. I didn't have to. I deserved to enjoy my current state.
I have been wanting to visit my friend, especially after speaking to her on the phone briefly yesterday, so I gave her a call and headed over. Without any premeditation.

I had a wonderful day. I feel refreshed, genuinely happy, and optimistic.
Life is good and I'm just like everyone else in it. Confused, frustrated, worried, unsure...but how great was it to have an open thursday to visit with a friend?
I hope that I can recognize this more, and be grateful for wonderful moments and relationships I am getting to build as a result of not working.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Grumpy.

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Also, the time between when I get up and I leave for work is very short (about 2 1/2 hours), and in that short time, it's hard to "liven up". So, I still feel pretty 'grumpy'.
My boyfriend keeps reminding me to "Smile" and "Remember I am loved" which is something so genuine that makes me feel worse on a day when I am having trouble appreciating anything.

So, I just keep repeating his words over in my head. And it helps.

One thing I thought of today was how I take such advantage of the things I have. Like my truck. I paid for it all myself, and it is nice. I like trucks, and I got what I wanted for me. I took a step back and really looked at it today and felt good about that.
I will try to do that more often so that things don't lose their value and my hard work doesn't lose its meaning.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Tree Gazing

Feb 22- tree gazing
On a gloomy, no plans or responsibilities day like today, I went for a walk with Mikey. We tend to choose days like today where the weather is cool and unusual to go for a stroll. What's nice about the weather or the time of day we chose for our walks is that the streets are quieter. People are more or less inside, and so we can focus on the sky, the homes, the sounds, the trees. In the small area that we covered on our walk we encountered so many different types of trees. I couldn't name any of them, it was neat to think that even though some had big sturdy trunks, skinnier, taller trunks, and different kinds of branches, they all managed to stand tall and survive.
Today I felt a little indifferent, and so going on this walk really freshened my mind set. I love enjoying things like this with Mikey, we always have interesting things to talk about and reflect on.
I'm so grateful to have him as my partner for walks like these.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Waiting

I never thought I could feel so bored.
All the things I never thought I'd get to, like painting, cleaning, are completed to perfection and I don't know what else to do.
I'm mad at myself for concentrating on this.
I know it could be way worse.
So, that reflection makes me feel even worse and then it starts all over again.
I finally got through it and ate dinner, watched some TV, and played a game of scrabble with my aunt.
Now, I am looking forward to my boyfriend coming home so I can start my weekend.
feb 20 scrabble
I'd like to remember these moments, these uncomfortable times, with content.
I try as hard as I can, but I know I can't be mad at myself for feeling what I feel.
I know these feelings will make the better moments feel even better.

Now I just have to wait, for them to come.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

BLa


it's disgusting.
walking around the house like a zombie.
doing more than necessary, finishing things and then feeling lost.
i have to do something different,
so my mind won't slow down with my body.
my head is pounding,
tv repeats itself. program, commercial, new program...
and the day seems so long.

the picture above is of a man i saw walking on the freeway. In the opposing direction of traffic. I wonder where he was going or if he even knew.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

checking in...

I feel saddened cause I have little to report and little to show for the past couple days. I guess those moments are just as important to reflect on though.
I have an expected few days off, Mark Burnett doesn't need me to transcribe til the end of the week when they have shot some more content. You'd think I'd be happy to have some free extra paid days, but I really wish I was working.

So now I feel like I should be taking this time to look for work, build a site for the side business I will start with my mom and sis, network, etc, but...I don't enjoy being on the internet for extended periods of time... it kinda makes me sleepy.

One thing I am learning is that I am an active person who needs to be mentally and physically active. So new ideas are keeping my brain active; but new paid opportunities have yet to come to me.

So that's all there is. Trying to stay motivated and inspired at every turn. It gets more difficult each time.

On the up though, I had a pleasant dinner at my aunt and uncle's house on sunday. It was a grown up invitation and I felt very happy to be there with my boyfriend. Then Mikey and I went Cosmic mini-golfing on a free coupon...looking forward to our dinners though once I get my first check.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Happy Valentines Eve

So today, I had an unexpected day off from work, where I was able to catch up on blogging, go Trader Joe's shopping, make cookies, watch What Not to Wear, and do a little more painting.
Amidst the stress of looking for a job, and driving to the Westside to transcribe for Mark Burnett, I am able to find little bouts of happiness in moments of creativity.
I mailed out all of my hand painted Valentine's cards yesterday. I get butterflies imagining each individual's expression and thoughts when they open up the card. I also painted some goodie bags for my aunt to give to her two friends.
V-day hand painted gift bags

It is wonderful to be working, doing my own thing, feeling productive and come back to my boyfriend, who is always so loving and supportive and I can share all my feelings with.
Each day makes for an extended feeling of, 'I really don't know what is going to happen next.'
But I think I like that feeling even better than being a part of something and not feeling for sure that it's the place for me.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Weekend of Family and Great Skies

I neglected blogging since thursday, and come today, I am not much in the mood for it... Actually, I noticed I'm not much in the mood for anything today-which is an emotion that bothers me.
Tomorrow I start my first day at work, which will keep me busy for two weeks, but I am sensing little action outside of that which means, I need to be thinking about what I am going to do when that is over.
So i am going to do this blog post very simply. Photo followed by brief explanation.
Feb 5- Sympathy taping
Thursday, I attended the taping of the film, Sympathy for Delicious, where I was in the crowd while Orlando Bloom and Juliette Lewis performed onstage. It was cool, but I got hungry and at the end it wasn't very organized. This event made me start to think about how I might want to work on set of a film.
feb 6- clouds amidst the rain
Driving down to San Diego friday afternoon was both tense, and extremely relaxing. The rain and dark clouds were ominous, but when the sun peeked through and at different moments, the sky was absolutely breath taking.
feb 7 makayla is sweet
Here's my sister. She is the littlest of the three. Each time I go down, I learn something new about her. I think she is growing to be a bright, genuine, and incredibly interesting person.
my cool dad
My dad. My dad and uncle went to the Buick Invitational on friday. It was great to come home to such a lively house. My dad has been more present lately, and I like having him around.
Syreeta and I at her bridal shower
I felt very privileged to be at Syreeta's bridal shower saturday. I am happy to be her friend, and to have been a part of her life and family all these years. The shower was beautiful and I was very happy to have my mom there with me. She is awesome.
trying to capture the beautiful moon
If only I could capture the moon more accurately. I love looking up at the sky lately. The weather is so magical and mysterious.
I think my next series of paintings is going to be on the sky and clouds.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

in preparation...

All of my valentines are done, and enveloped, and addressed, now I think I will make a few more, just cause they came out so nice :)
Today, I did some yard work, which was something I had wanted to do to help my aunt out, since she cant move around very easily. We came across some old songbooks in the garage, most of which she said she didn't need any longer. I am hoping my cousin (who works at the LAOpera) will help me find a home for some of these great, old books. They seem too precious to trash.
Feb.4-old songbooks
Currently, I am listening to "Carmen", the opera, on my computer and trying to map out the current month.
I think it is going to be great for me to get back to work next week...even if it is only temporary. I have some creative ideas for things I can prep during any free time I have during this period, so that I can make some money when its over just in case I still cant find a job.
I feel lucky to have family close by, cause this month is looking tight in consideration of getting my bills paid.
Money, money, money, money...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

a project, a do-good feel

Last night I indulged in Amelie, a french movie about a lonely girl who does good deeds for others anonymously.
I thought, how nice if we could have this on our mind more often.
I think my Valentine's day cards will fulfill my do-good-er desire.
Painting them by hand allowed me to personalize them and make them special. It was fun, so I made extras to send to people I might not normally wish a Happy Valentine's.
This artistic activity also stirred up my juices... might I try to make cards for every occasion? could I get paid to do this?
Feb 3- painting valentines
Truth is, when I get a job, my efforts will be focused there, and so making cards could become a chore. So, I will try to not think too far ahead, and instead, enjoy my little successes, no matter how small.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Deep thoughts in the shampoo aisle and trips back in time

I went for a ride with my Aunt to run a few errands today. I wasn't too talkative, kinda mellow, and inner-reflective(if that is a word).
A couple of things caught my interest on a day like this, when on other days I might completely overlook them.
I was overwhelmed, amazed, and visually stimulated by the inside of the supermarket. So many colors, product casings, delicate displays, and careful shelving.
rows and rows of shampoo-which to chose?
If viewed as simply a photograph and not a photograph of a supermarket, I think you can see what I mean by visually stimulating.
carefully displayed fruits
Not to mention that I was in Stater Bros. I had an interesting time last time I took a "trip" there.

Then, since without cash I have been craving the need for more "things", I decided to visit the local library and get a card. Figured I could also find out what's going on in the community if I decide I'm bored or want to do some volunteer work.
I had a glorious time.
The best was when I walked up the magical stairs to the Children's section.
As I walked along the now chest-level shelves, I felt that I was 8 years old, smiling and running my fingers along their bindings.
The books looked and smelled the same as they did then. I felt myself get excited.
my gifts from the library
What I got:
CD-Orchestral Fireworks(Strauss and others)
CD-Verdi, Guiseppe (Aida and others)
CD-Carmen the opera
CD-Duke Ellington, Happy Reunion
CD-Speak in a Week! "Street Smart" Spanish
DVD-Amelie (with english subtitles
Book-Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator, Roald Dahl

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Not Bored in LA

The last couple of days have been a bit more eventful, to my pleasure.
Friday, I occupied myself with internet browsing, cooking, converting, and a new task; painting Valentine's Day Cards.
Saturday, I went to my cousin's 1st birthday (a playful day in the park) and in the evening, drove to the Ragazzi Room for a unique art/music show sponsored by BoredLa.
My friend Monique's art was on display, so I got to visit with her for a bit, but I was especially excited to see Jessie, USC student, BoredLA contributor, and my most extraordinary intern from the Vlaze Days.
a piece by my friend Monique
It was a bit crowded (for art gazing), but very successful for a first event! Check out BoredLA for more info.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dr. Joseph Murphy

“You were born to be rich. You grow rich by the use of your God-given faculties, by tuning in with the Infinite, and as your mind becomes productive and full of good ideas, your labor will become more productive and will bring you all kinds of material riches."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy to paint

Today, I was happy to paint. Sometimes, you have to just go with it.
I felt like since the sun went down and I couldn't recreate my "painting in the park" experience, then I shouldn't paint, but I'm glad I did.
art in motion-haha
I didn't do much else today, but I am starting to not think of this as a negative.
It is what it is.
And it could be worse.
getting a bit more inspired
I am training my brain to think of this time as essential to the next phase in my life. Whatever, however, or whenever that may be.
And that is all.

Monday, January 26, 2009

A golden drizzle

It is such a refreshing feeling to have...progression. Even if it is very small, especially when it is not what you expected.
I guess it puts in perspective that there are a billion things happening around you every second of your life, and so the chance that something will hit you, is not unlikely.
You just have to be ready, and open to it.
Be brave, be hopeful.
I work a temp job in a few weeks, doing something kinda undesirable, but the idea of being active and making some money, is exciting.
I am just grateful that there was something this week, because I don't know how much longer I could hold out.
Jan 26-glowing light
The rain is really finicky lately.
Strong bouts at random times.
Today it rained during sunset and the sky was so golden that it felt like honey.
If I closed my eyes, I could imagine being in King Midas's castle;distant, rich, and glowing.
Jan 26-rain during sunset

Sunday, January 25, 2009

My date with my cousin


I meant to blog about my date with my cousin the evening it occurred, but I wasn't feeling too well, and so chose to rest and sleep.
This week was a tough one, mentally and physically, so I decided to allow myself to be pitiful.
But this next week cannot be the same, as much as I would like to wallow (is that a word?>) But I am still not sure of my plans, so anyway, I don't really know what to expect.
What worked out well (to get back to my date) was that I had been encouraged by the book I am reading to appreciate classical music. I got a fine taste of Stravinsky and others at the divine Walt Disney Hall performed by the Philharmonic.
Definitely something to check out once in a while if only to feel "fancy" for a moment.
My dates with my cousin are usually pretty "fancy"--or some other great adjective.

In other news, don't you hate those moments where things feel different? and You think that this feeling could extend longer, and you dont like that idea, but realize that it exists, and you wouldn't have much control over it if it was going to be that way?
I guess maybe that sounds confusing.
I hope I can mend it, and still come away from it feeling like a give and take-
still exists...cause the longer I let it linger, the more I feel detached.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cleaning up

I have been hesitating to come back to work (well, my former work).
Which is strange.
But there was--this sense of attachment, that I needed to brush off. A feeling of taking the layoff personally, and feeling left out because things were moving along without me there.
But, leaving without tying up the loose ends, finishing the projects that I had started, was only going to make me feel like I still had unfinished business there.

So, today I completed some work for the Fuji Minx video (which was also a sore loose end that I had been avoiding) and I am happy to say that it feels very good to have---well, a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I can continue on now, however I choose.
And hopefully, as I "clean up" here in the next week or two, I will gain more senses of freedom and feelings of energy and of...moving forward.
Here is one of the final videos I uploaded to my site, MusicReelDirect.com

also: computers test my patience.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration Day.

How did I feel today?
intrigued. curious. happy.
I got a bit frustrated when some of the programming and interviewers seemed to focus on the black community. I understand why...but he is the nation's president. And I am a little worried about this type of coverage creating a negative start...not a huge issue, but something that I noticed.
My boyfriend celebrated his 28th birthday on the day Obama was elected, and he says it feels like a "correction" for the last president that was elected on his birthday: Reagan.
my awesome boyfriend, Mikey
I just hope everyone works together and stays optimistic during this new era--
It will be trying time-and being out of work definitely gives me time to focus on that. But I am happy about the sense of community that is already being encouraged throughout the country.
Mikey's birthday, the day of the new president

Monday, January 19, 2009

A girls weekend (and mariachis!)


This weekend, I was surrounded by my mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts, cousins, friends, family friends... all the women in my life who have formed my ideas, inspired me, and encouraged me to be myself.
Friday I attended my mom's half sister's 86th birthday. I was impressed by family, extended family, the fact that we somehow manage to keep people in our lives, that it is important and grows more important over the years.
Then, on saturday, my mom and sisters came up and we also met my uncle's new fiancee from China--There was warmth among everyone, genuine politeness, welcoming embraces, patience, and courtesy. When I see the way my family treats others, it makes me proud to be a part of their lives.
Sunday, my mom, sister and I visited with my best friend Robin, her mother and fiancee to discuss wedding details. I felt so privileged to be so involved in such a personal time in my friend's life...to be like family to someone who is not. How often do the florist(my mom)and photographer(my sister)get invited to lunch and spend an entire afternoon with the bride and her mom?
Then, we had a 'girls' night with wii, pizza, and popcorn. There were nine of us ranging from age 11 to 83. It was mostly just a bunch of lying around and laughing--towards the end of the evening my aunt brought out some old albums and shared some wonderful memories with us.
Of course I missed my dad, and my boyfriend, but I was so grateful to be with all the ladies in my life.
And to top it off, mariachis were the surprise entertainment at the birthday on friday--that's like icing on the cake.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Painting in the Park Pt. 2

Today I had purpose. A simple goal in mind with no exactness on the outcome.
It seems to me that as much as I love art (or dance, or movies, or any other hobby) I am not the type who can work on a single action for more than a couple hours at a time.
I felt very confident in the idea of creating a great, relaxing environment and working for about an hour, or just as long as I needed.
resting to read a sec

I started out not feeling "right", not as comfortable as I had the day before.
I realized it was the chewing gum I was chomping on; too much of a distraction in one place.
But still, there was no "flow", so I read and did an exercise from my book "How to think like Leonardo Da Vinci"---a book that I am finding exciting, entertaining, and enlightening.
The exercise was about reflecting on your influential experiences and how you apply what you learned from them in everyday life. It gave me comfort to think that I really have applied lessons from my successes and mistakes into the way I live my life...
I was content by the time I completed the outside shading of the eye, it needs more work, but I am looking forward to how I might perform differently on a brand new day, in a brand new hour :)
starting to like how it looks
to be continued...